"No, I only allow visitors in my back door."

-kids yesterday, playing in their tent.

When I was throwing it in there on Friday, she was constantly pointing out things I missed and could have done better.

"Let's all decorate mom with sticky stuff on her face!"
(I'm eating a breakfast of biscuits with honey, and sausage with syrup, and I lean in to kiss her goodbye. She then leans in to kiss our youngest goodbye, and almost gets syrup on her hair.)

Need help accessing the back end

"try to figure out what's up with my non-access to the back end."

All Day Long

"Do I leave it in all day long? .... I'm not sure I know what to do with it."

Turn Ons

"Do I need to stick it in before I turn it on?"

my 4 year old's chaffed hands

"No, not there... see the pink and red parts? rub it THERE."

"Put it in your mouth; don't play with it." Me, during dinner, on a 4-day stretch of single daddying while mom was off on a work trip.

Yeah, Do This

Trash, to me, giving advice on a puzzle-based computer game: "Just spread them apart and you'll get something good down there."

stick the pin

Overheard at work: “I don’t want you to stick it in. I want you to pin it to the front.”

Facial

My wife: “I’ve had people try to give me a facial before, and I usually just break out afterwards.”

Trash

"I'm going to wait until it hardens and then take a taste."

to my 2.5 year old daughter...

"It's got some hair around the rim now, so just give me a second."

Second Trash quote during a meeting

I'm not a member, so I couldn't get all the way in.

Trash quote during a meeting

I will get you access to the back end...

Random guy in random meeting at work

It's been a hose in the mouth...

M.Edium 2.5

...then I can figure out why it's so hard.

M.Edium 2

Maybe if I wait until it isn't wet, then I can open it.

M.Edium 1

I feel something hard in it...

Chao's boss in another meeting

I am doing things to the back end ...

Trash at the restaurant

He keeps coming everytime I put something in my mouth.

Chao's boss during a department meeting

I just need your head.

furries? furries.

my wife has a collection of stuffed animal dogs called "Le Mutt"s. our daughter asked something about them, and all i heard my wife say was "yup - those are my furry friends; momma has a lot of friends in the furry world."

Random txt from trash

Is the hole that big now?

Trash

"You actually have to get some in your mouth to taste it"

Toach

I like things that are pink.

My mom

NOT IN THE FACE!!!

Coach

Is this big enough?

Coach

How big do I need to blow it?

My mom

You blow it, I will tie it.

Trash at dinner

Every book you read, you get to touch it longer.

M.Edium at dinner

Just whip it around the truck and then lick it.

5th day as a mailman

"The slot is kind of thin, and I couldn't get it all in at once."

i almost said something about it cutting up my finger, but i had already realized how awful my words had sounded.

feeding the daughter breakfast

me, while spoon-feeding our toddler daughter gerber cereal from a jar:

"i can't do all the work; you have to use your mouth to get it all."

so very wrong.

Callous-un's friend Cindy

There isn't any hidden meat in there, right?

My nephew told me a guy in church said this...

As long as you're not on the bush, you're good.

T to niece

I agree, Santa is kind of creepy when he's turned on.

Chao's mother

I have to use my hands to get it off sometimes.

Chao's Mother

Funny. In that picture, it looks like you have a chin strap on.

Chao's Father

Whoa, you're getting kind of excited there. Make sure you have your strap on.

Trash

I sucked the last little bit off the teabag.

M.Edium

Wait. Let me turn around. It will be better.

The Art Institute of Chicago

Overheard while waiting to purchase tickets.

"You know me and how I like to be anally clean."

Trey-lo

Amy's married now so she won't go down.

M.Edium

It's a strap-on!

Vonnegurl

EyeHeartPizza

That was hard. His stick was flying everywhere.

Vendor at work

Wow. That's a big 'ole tool you've got...

said by me, to my wife

"Yeah, the longer it gets, the harder it is to manage."

(a neighbor is finally mowing his lawn after three weeks of growth)